Today I attended a funeral. Relatives who couldn't make it to Amah's funeral were paying their condolences to me. It was like going through it all over again. I was drained and upset by the time I left. All had such good things to say. All I could think was I know. She's my mum remember!  9 months and still grieving. 

I am tired. Fed up. First I loose you. Then my chain. Now my car. When will this stop. Enough of loss. Enough. 

Missing and missing

It's been months since I wrote on the blog. It's hard to remember and harder still to forget. It's been weeks since I went to OKR and that troubles me. It's just that going there you realize that something big is missing. I feel bad when Dava asks if I am coming and I say I can't. Anyway I have promised myself that once the house work is done I will go more often. Every time I go to the house or do something for the house I want to take the phone and tell you about it. Then I remember you are not here. It's so sad. There is so much I want to tell you. Like today I have completed 6 months in this new job. You would have been so happy that this job is not stressful. I would have had more time for you. Anyways you did what you had to do. After Shanthi told me about the dream she had of you being so happy I was happy for you but I was so sad for myself. It's a selfish need to have you here but I have been so used to it. More than 50 years. So it will take another 50 years at least to get un-used to it!

Gathering for Shanthi

Amma's favourite niece was in town and she wanted to visit us so Param organised a meet up at OKR. Now a meet up won't be right without food. And if amma was around it would have surely been a spread. Well I'm not amma but I made sure there was a meal. Since it was a Thursday we had to compromise and have vegetarian as well as non-veg. Don't know what she would have thought about that. Anyway it was idiappam, sothi, idili, prawn curry and cutlets for the kids. Suganthi brought a lovely mango cheese cake, I think. Its been a long time since we had little children around so it was a bit noisy but I'm used to it at school so it did not bother me. 

Now let me see if I can remember their names. Shanthi's children are Amara 10 and Nikhil 8. Suganthi's kids are ........ .  I missed the little girl, she is so cute and adorable. I will come back to it later when I remember. I thought Nikhil looked exactly like Shanthi and Amara had her lovely curls. Rasu looked like she had lost some weight. As Jeyanthi said she walks twice a day in the morning and evening so that would be the reason. It was difficult having Chinamah and Rasu around because they remind me so much of amma. It was a shame that Indra was not around then it would have been complete. Opportunities like this are hard to come by so must make an effort. Realisation comes late in life I suppose. 

Anyway it was good to do a bit of cousin bonding. Even Raul and Rania were getting to know their 2nd. cousins. Davinia looked lost when she was introduced to Shanthi. I think its the first time she is seeing her. I was worried that the little fellow might fall in the pond or hurt himself with all the running around that he was doing. I'm sure they had a good night's sleep. 

Amma would have been happy that all her children and her sole grandchild were in attendance. 

SD and NTV no brownie points for you.  

Pallagaram

Chinamah and Chinayah came over today to teach me and the maid how to make my favourite 'pehrangayam pallaharam' in short ribbon muruku. It was amma who taught them long time ago and then they improvised the recipe. They wrote out the recipe and brought it along. What a waste that I never learnt how to do it when amma was around. But it is quite a tedious and tiring  job especially the frying part. The recipe alone was quite easy but it was the tail end that I did not like. Why can't Indian recipes end with pop it into the oven and let it bake. Anyway it turned it quite nice but it still lacked amma's touch just like everything else. I can easily finish one whole container of it in a day. Its been a week and its still there. 

Maybe all of us have to learn one or two things so that we can have one person specialising in something. Shobah said she tried to make some pallaharam and it turned out quite well. Maybe we have to depend on her for our pallaharam from next year. 

Thank you Chinamah and Chinayah. Much appreciated:) Acca will be very pleased.

FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY COFFEE TABLE BOOK

Please start the ball rolling, 'Our Family Publishing Team.' Are we going to make the coffee table book as Vik suggested? It is a huge task and needs to be started pretty soon. We managed to compile and publish the book for amma's first month anniversary at record speed. This project is much bigger so we had better plan the contents of the new book and how its to be organised.
If I remember vaguely, Vik did suggest a section for all the members of the family. What are we going to include? Is it going to be a picture book or filled with anecdotes from people amma knew?
Its October now and that would mean we have a little short of 6 months.

One of the rare family pictures with everyone except Apan's family.

DEEPAVALI

We never really celebrated Deepavali on a grand scale but you were always there to organise the palagaram, not just for us but the whole family. This year we won't be celebrating Deepavali but what about next year? Who is going to do the making, ordering and the distributing? 

My job was to organise cookies, which I easily did thanks to Belvir from school, who I have been ordering from all these years. Well, one thing is for sure, Mrs. Navaratnam's sister is going to feel the loss of her loyal and extravagant customer. So is the lady in Taman Yarl, who was another of your local palagaram contacts. We did try ordering from her and Jeeva kept referring to you, Mrs. Bala.

The other day Shobah commented that she did not get any chippy. She said that you used to keep some for her whenever you ordered some. She was obviously missing you when she thought of the chippy you saved for her. Now how am I supposed to know that. You should have left me a list of who likes what. 

Even when Rupert was down he said that he used to ask you to order the chippy for him to take back to UK. 

My favourite ribbon was something I looked forward to that you would make. I can easily finish the whole container full. Well, no more amma's ribbon for me. Chinamah and Chinayah did make some for me recently and it was really sweet of them. There is still some of your fruit cake in the fridge. It was the last batch that you made. I am pretty sure it is spoilt by now but I don't have the heart to throw it away. I will be forced to do so soon when it gets bad and mouldy. In fact your brown rice was lying in the freezer until recently when I had to force myself to throw it away. Well Jeyanthi did take over the making of the fruit cake so we will still get our supply of fruit cake and more at Christmas, when Jo makes her batch.

I just had another thought, what will you be doing on your first Deepavali without us? 

Well, one thing for sure, it will never be the same again for all of us.

 

Amma

Missing You.....

The Buddhist priest told us that we had to let you go and not mourn your loss because your spirit will not be at peace. How difficult it is not to cry when I think of you. I can't help how I feel and some days it is more difficult. All of us miss you terribly. We are trying our best to move on but the pain and the tears will never go away.
We have all been going through different stages coming to terms with not having you around. It is such a difficult journey with no end in sight. I have been unable to write on your blog because it was becoming too painful. I will try to be more consistent from now on. Almost 7 months.......

What has your family been up to?

Param has started a trust fund for your beloved grandchildren with your last drawn pension which mysteriously came in the post last week. I think you were happy that Param finally had his hair cut and you were rewarding him. The Hibiscus Thava Fund (HTF) Your grandchildren will still continue to receive money from you even though you no longer are here.

Jeyanthi is busy with her new house, which you would have enjoyed if you were around. She bought the little alter that you always wanted. She had us all over for vegetarian food. Hope you enjoyed it as well. She has taken over your place telling us when to be vegetarian and what festival was around the corner. Dava says she is worst then you. She even managed to get Param go to temple. 

She found something among her things while tidying up. We never knew about its existence.

Never knew that appa had a book specially made for his 31st day. I wonder who wrote this first page? The rest of it was in tamil. Jeyanthi was supposed to ask Chinamah about it.

Time

5 months of missing and still continuing!

Friends

Recently, last weekend, I received a call from an old friend of Appa's who just got to know of Amah's passing and wanted to convey his and his wife's condolence. I was surprised that even after more than 3 months there are people who care enough to call and convey their condolence and want to come and visit us. I cannot even remember this person! More and more I realize that the greatest gift is to have friends like this. Amah, with your quiet unassuming way you, you have touched many hearts. 

Three months

In less than a week it will be three months since Amah left this earthly existence. More and more I manage not having her with me. But in the times that I don't succeed it pains me more than I can describe. I still sometimes think its a dream I am going to wake up from with relieve. But my mind tells me that is not so. And so we go on with our lives. We had a family BBQ last weekend. Just for the fun of it. No reason other than to be together. We will go on doing these things as often as time permits.

More and more it dawns on me that Amah kept us together by just being around. Now we have to actually work at keeping us together. I hope and pray with all my heart, and I want Amah to help with this, that we continue to be like this FOREVER. I couldn't take it if it were otherwise.

Family is all that is left at the end. Amah taught us well so we must strive and not let our own busy schedules and our own lives get in the way.

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration that leads us to achieve great heights. And our comfort when we falter."

My Mysterious Kitchen

Since having amma with me I knew that it would be trouble for the two of us to try to run the kitchen so I left it to her to sort out the kitchen and only occasionally did I step in (to throw out the accumulated junk) I realise now that to her it was a waste to throw away things because she was brought up in a totally different era when things were so hard to come by. Not to say things were easier when I was growing up but circumstances have changed considerably in the past 30 years. I was always trying to throw things and clear the house and she would secretly keep things which I had put aside to throw. The truth came to light when I was sorting through the kitchen cupboards during the days after her passing. I was on an extended holiday and there was no maid so I had to find out where things were kept. I cleaned out every cupboard in the kitchen.

I found many different types of ingredients which I had no idea what they were for. Amma made sure her kitchen was always well stocked and had a whole variety of things in the fridge and freezer.  (Thanks to her son-in-law's frequent trips to the Indian grocer in Klang)I found the pots which I had packed to throw away, hiding in the cupboards. My mother obviously outsmarted me. We found a   brand new wok in the store room which was still in the box unused just like all the other new pans which she reluctantly took out to replace the old ones. She must have bought it recently. I am using her special pot and will never have the heart to throw that out.

This is what I realised, I would keep all the junk in the world to have her back at home with us.

Miss you so much amma.

Our Last Picture Together

It's been awhile since I, or for that matter anyone, has posted anything. The last was the well written account of our trip to India. I guess all of us are dealing with our loss in our own personal ways. I realize it will take forever and even then you cannot forget. Maybe the pain lessens. The intensity of the loss lessens. But not forget. It seems like so long ago but infact it is not even 3 months!
I am dealing with the loss, the abandoned feeling, the need to hear her touch her talk to her. I am dealing with it. She will always be my Amah. My loving Amah. The centre of my life. I miss her.

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Amma's 8th. Day Prayers

We kept to amma's wishes and did not have 31days of prayers. Instead we did her final prayers on the 8th. day, which fell on Tuesday, 26th. March, 2013. It was the day when all her favourite food was presented to her. It is believed that the soul will visit on that night and eat to their heart's content. The customary vegetables were cooked and the grandchildren had the task of coming up with a list of all her favourite food. It took them sometime to compile the list because although amma never ate meat she made up for it by having a sweet tooth.  

I am going to try to list out what I can remember. 

curry mee     ABC      durian     Hokkien mee      ice cream      toffee      chocolate

sour plum     appam     curry puff     kolakattai     rojak     pulut      pukkai 

ginger beer      cranberries     kesari     cincau drink      orange juice

soya bean drink      mamak mee     yogurt                       

I remember the tray laden full with all her favourites. In fact it was at the junction for a few days before it was all cleared away. Hope you did visit that night Amma. You would have loved every single thing that your grandchildren loving prepared.   

       Shanker's masterpiece lovingly created for his Periamma. 

Shanker, Dharan and Sashi sponsored the flowers.

 The trays of her favourite food.

Amma's Funeral

Amma's funeral was a simple and beautiful ceremony. She always said she never wanted an elaborate funeral so I suppose she partly got her wish. But her family, who were heartbroken at her sudden demise, made sure she had a grand send off. We kept her at home for 3 nights and on the morning of Vik and Shan's 42nd birthday, Friday the 22nd of March, we had to bid her farewell. We had to wait for Vik who could only arrive on Thursday so we had a little more time before we had to say our final goodbye. 

She lay in the middle of the living room and was surrounded by a sea of flowers. The wall on the far right was completely covered with beautiful, elaborate wreaths which were sent by family and friends. There was a constant stream of visitors to pay their last respects. Amma might have been a recluse in the later part of her life but friends and relatives who had not seen her for a long time came to pay their respects. It felt like a true lying in state meant for dignitaries. Even when she was no longer physically there, her picture stayed in the same position for 31 days. Everyone said she looked so peaceful. The picture was a true reflection of her, always smiling and serene looking. 

White was the colour of the day and most of us tried to find something in white to wear. Soon the prayers started and everyone in the family took part. All her grandchildren took part and it was a sombre and sad farewell to our beloved amma. We sprinkled kunggumum, vibuthi and red rose petals at her feet and around her. Finally the Sivapuranam was recited and we prayed that her soul would be at peace and she would have a safe journey, with the blessings of Lord Siva.

Dharan, Davinia and I sat in silence as we followed the hearse bearing amma's coffin. I played the Kanda Shashti Kavasam and hoped that it would be a source of comfort to amma and the 3 of us.  She had a fleet of cars and 2 police outriders accompanying her to the crematorium in Kelana Jaya. I was determined to be there with her right till the end. It would be my first time at a crematorium. I thought the prayers were so poignant and meaningful and nothing at all to be afraid off. Why then were women not allowed to go? 

More flowers were placed in the coffin and mantras were chanted. Jerry and another lady from the Temple of Fine Arts, chanted a mantra for 21 times. She was then wheeled inside and her coffin was placed in the huge oven like chamber while we silently prayed and said our final goodbye. The metal door came sliding down and we could no longer see the coffin. I wished with all my heart that she was not afraid and had appa to take her away. We heard the flames being turned up and as we turned to leave, Jerry told us to wait. The metal door slid up a little and we had one final glance of the fiery heat of the flames that had started to engulf the coffin with amma's remains. And then the metal door was brought down one final time. 

It was finally over and we went home with a hollow feeling in our hearts. Although amma's body was no longer, she would always live in all of us through a million memories. 

We are still trying to come to terms with our immense loss. Although it is clear that we will never get over losing her. 
Today is exactly 2 months since she left us. 

 Eliza Maria, a lovely, young girl lost her fight with cancer this morning. She fought a hard and long battle and finally succumbed to this dreaded disease. May her soul rest in peace.

Please light a candle and say a prayer for her.

Birthday Wishes from Heaven

I might no longer be here with you
But my thoughts are always of you
As I look down and watch over you
I realise I'd rather be with you

I won't be able to share your birthday with you
But I'll say a special prayer for you
Don't be sad that I'm not with you
Reach out and you'll always feel me with you

Be comforted with the memories we've shared
They are a comfort to me too
Take care of yourself this birthday
Remember your mother/grandmother will always love you.

Happy Birthday Jeyanthi and Dharan. 

Shanker's Mother's Day Gift

A Mother's Day Poem

Does heaven have an address mum?
Is there any way I can be in contact with you?
There are so many stories I want to tell you,There are so many joys and sorrows I want to share with you,
But is that possible mum? Well, I do it anyway!

This is Mother’s day… and you are not here with me,
A day to tell you how much you mean to me.
But Mum… I don’t need any special occasion to tell you…
or you in person to say how much I Love You.
That’s because you know it!

To me, you are:
Smiles of happy sunshine,
Arms of everlasting love,
Touch of sweet roses,
There is magic in the air whenever you were there,
Mother, everything to you I owe,
Although you are not here to hear it,
Let me say it all the same……I love you very very much, Mum!


A poem that was shared on Facebook. We are not alone, there are many people out there who are still missing their mothers. No point trying to get over it because it will never happen. We have to celebrate her life and do what she would want us to, move on but always have her close to our hearts.

Happy Mother's Day Dearest Amah

There never seems to be a moment when something doesn't trigger a memory. It's so hard. I keep telling myself it will get better. But the more I say it the less I believe it. These last few days have been the worst. I now realize how you must have struggled with your asthma Amah. It's such a terrible illness. I so wanted you with me then. To reach out to you and just hear your voice. I reached out but I didn't hear your voice.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm going to miss you even more. Your absence has left a hollow that just seems impossible to fill or forget. I tell myself to move on and that you are there beside me every step of the way. But .............

I need to go on. And I will try. But I miss you sooooo much. Happy Mother's Day Amah. 

University Hospital

Just passed by the hospital a short while ago and thought of the amount of time amma would have spent there over the years. She has been going there for as long as I remember. I suppose when we lived in section 17 that was the closest hospital but that has always been her first preference. In fact she did visit it for one last time a few days before she passed away. 

No idea how she had the patience to wait for hours to see the doctor and get her medication. But wait patiently she did. She insisted on doing her cataract operation there and they proceeded to screw it up. Her eye-sight deteriorated and the doctor never admitted her mistake. I should have learnt from her mistake before messing about with my eyes. Her close brush with death back in 1994 was at UH as well. And yet she always wanted to go there. 

Well, I suppose she must have met some good doctors over the years and maybe thats where she got the idea of getting her grandchildren either in the profession or get married to somebody in the profession. 

Our Family Photo

We always planned to take a family photo when Vik was back on holiday but never got around to doing it.

This photo was taken during Vik's wedding. Too bad the grandchildren are not in the picture.

Our beloved amma. 

Missed you so much today:(

Amma's Recipe Book

This recipe book, which was given by a Mrs. Singam, played a special role in amma's gift of churning out deliciously tasty food.

She was always adventurous and loved trying out new recipes. I was surprised when I looked through the pages because her English was flawless. Her grandchildren should take note. Amma always spoke English with us and it is no wonder that she was equally fluent speaking and even writing the language. She never did get around learning Bahasa but I do vaguely remember one occasion, a very long time ago, where she had to give a speech in Bahasa! It was for one of those Railways Ladies Association. I don't know how she did it but she managed to deliver her speech. Does anyone remember the details of this incident? 

Happy Birthday Appa

Appa would have been 83 years old today. 

Hope amma is beside you celebrating.
He passed away in 1980 when he was 49 years old.

I don't recall ever celebrating any of his birthdays:(

Do any of you remember any birthday celebration of his?

47 days ......

Amma with her beloved 'Athan'

Prayers at Bhavani

Lovely messages from my class

The Final Farewell

It's been a hectic 2 days from Trichy to Coimbatore and on to Bhavani. Amma's ashes have been caste off into the holy waters of India. The ceremony was by the river Bhavani and the urn carrying her ashes was released into the water by Dharan. SD, Davinia and Shobah had to ride a 'coracle' a short distance away and release her. Have we finally let her go? 

Final Journey

Amma will be embarking on her final journey tomorrow. She is all packed and ready to go. Jeyanthi always wanted to take her to India and pestered her many times but she never agreed. I wonder if she is excited to go now? Ready or not you will be on the flight at 7:40 am amma.

Watch this space for pictures of her pilgrimage. 

Is there life after death?

Losing someone dear makes you think about what life after death might be like. Jeyanthi shared the story of this woman who was aware of what was happening to her while in a coma and when she woke up she had cured herself of cancer!

People have talked about seeing God and being led into this beautiful garden where everything is perfect and you are safe in god's arms.

Is any of this true? 

Are we actually reunited with our loved ones? I suppose we will never know the answer. Maybe someday. But we can always dream that that is what happens.

Could it be that Appa and Amma are reunited and as SD said catching up on lost time? I wish with all my heart that this is true. 

http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/articles/id/spiritualresearch/spiritualscience/afterdeath

Amma wherever you are.......

When I'm gone

Release me let me go
I have so many things to see and do.                                    

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears,
Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love and you can only guess,
How much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it's time I travelled on alone.

So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must
then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for awhile that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away, for life goes on,
So, if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near,
and if you listen with your heart,
you'll hear all my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and say, welcome home.

I'm not too sure who the poet is but it is such a beautiful poem that I had to share it. 

Dearest Amumah....

Lost a very important person in my life today, the person who took care of me, put up with my nonsense, covered for me, backed me up and was always on my side through thick n thin. Her witty jokes and sneaky funny ways never failed to amuse. The one person who never said NO to me n always helped me get my way. 

Rest in peace Amumah, your jokes about leaving us has now become reality. You will be dearly missed but the memories will remain and be cherished ..........

Please go to 'In Loving Memory' to find the link to the book.

Home Sweet Home ........

Amma took center stage, where she rightfully belongs, for the past one month. Her photo was placed in the center of my living room, where she lay for her final few days with us and during
her funeral. She was and will always be the center of our universe and that of her grandchildren, so it was a fitting place for her.

Today, I had to reluctantly clear everything away and place her photo in her room. I did it with a heavy heart because it was another reminder that she was well and truly gone. But then I realised that her room was her favourite place in the house. It has been the center of her universe over the past few years. She took the saying 'Home Sweet Home' to the extreme.

I have put a few things of hers that are precious to her near her picture. 

In Loving Memory, a picture of her with her darling Athan, her cook book and ........

Let me know what else she would like near her.

Farewell to the Queen of Our Hearts

Our final tribute for our dearest Amma. The memorial service started off with a simple prayer followed by lunch and the unveiling of the book, In Loving Memory.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to join us in this final farewell for Amma.

No longer with us but always and forever in our hearts.

In Loving Memory

Here is a sneak peak of the memorial book, 'In Loving Memory' dedicated to our wonderful Ammah/Appachi/Amumah. The book tells the story of her life and the people that surrounded her.   They say, 'The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.' Needing to hold on to this remarkable person, we the family have put together this token to remember her by and keep her alive in our minds and heart.

Please email shamjeeva@yahoo.com if you want a copy. We will endevour to upload more pages of the book onto the blog.

31 days have passed..........

Amma's 31st day prayers went on as planned. It was a simple ceremony attended by family members. Jeyanthi organised the prayers and the prasadam that followed afterwards. 

Sri Ramalingeswarar Temple

It is with a heavy heart that we have to let go of our dear Amma. It is too difficult to even turn off  the flame of the 'vilakku' that has been burning for her this past one month. So we have decided to keep it going until Saturday. 

As Param put it, ' it seems so final.'

We had a surprise visitor this evening in the form of a 'bat.' Maybe it was Amma coming to say her farewell which she never had a chance to do so. Param did mention earlier that he had a feeling she might stop by since its her 31st and that was why everyone was here. How right he was.

The bat flies in through the front door and flies about upstairs before actually leaving through the TV room window.

Amma always struggled with stairs and never went upstairs and here she was flying about. 

FAREWELL DEAREST AMMA.

Amma's altar in Jeyanthi's house

All set for her prayers at the Ramalingeswar Temple in Bangsar tomorrow morning.

Working on the Memorial Book

Amma's grandchildren and Shanker worked hard to produce the book. Each one of them contributed a piece which will be revealed come Saturday morning. Dharan, Shan and Shanker with the help of Shan's friend worked tirelessly through the weekend to ensure that the book was ready to be sent to the printers on Monday morning. Amma is sure to be proud of her special book made out of our deepest love for her and with contributions from the whole family.