My Mysterious Kitchen

Since having amma with me I knew that it would be trouble for the two of us to try to run the kitchen so I left it to her to sort out the kitchen and only occasionally did I step in (to throw out the accumulated junk) I realise now that to her it was a waste to throw away things because she was brought up in a totally different era when things were so hard to come by. Not to say things were easier when I was growing up but circumstances have changed considerably in the past 30 years. I was always trying to throw things and clear the house and she would secretly keep things which I had put aside to throw. The truth came to light when I was sorting through the kitchen cupboards during the days after her passing. I was on an extended holiday and there was no maid so I had to find out where things were kept. I cleaned out every cupboard in the kitchen.

I found many different types of ingredients which I had no idea what they were for. Amma made sure her kitchen was always well stocked and had a whole variety of things in the fridge and freezer.  (Thanks to her son-in-law's frequent trips to the Indian grocer in Klang)I found the pots which I had packed to throw away, hiding in the cupboards. My mother obviously outsmarted me. We found a   brand new wok in the store room which was still in the box unused just like all the other new pans which she reluctantly took out to replace the old ones. She must have bought it recently. I am using her special pot and will never have the heart to throw that out.

This is what I realised, I would keep all the junk in the world to have her back at home with us.

Miss you so much amma.

Our Last Picture Together

It's been awhile since I, or for that matter anyone, has posted anything. The last was the well written account of our trip to India. I guess all of us are dealing with our loss in our own personal ways. I realize it will take forever and even then you cannot forget. Maybe the pain lessens. The intensity of the loss lessens. But not forget. It seems like so long ago but infact it is not even 3 months!
I am dealing with the loss, the abandoned feeling, the need to hear her touch her talk to her. I am dealing with it. She will always be my Amah. My loving Amah. The centre of my life. I miss her.

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Amma's 8th. Day Prayers

We kept to amma's wishes and did not have 31days of prayers. Instead we did her final prayers on the 8th. day, which fell on Tuesday, 26th. March, 2013. It was the day when all her favourite food was presented to her. It is believed that the soul will visit on that night and eat to their heart's content. The customary vegetables were cooked and the grandchildren had the task of coming up with a list of all her favourite food. It took them sometime to compile the list because although amma never ate meat she made up for it by having a sweet tooth.  

I am going to try to list out what I can remember. 

curry mee     ABC      durian     Hokkien mee      ice cream      toffee      chocolate

sour plum     appam     curry puff     kolakattai     rojak     pulut      pukkai 

ginger beer      cranberries     kesari     cincau drink      orange juice

soya bean drink      mamak mee     yogurt                       

I remember the tray laden full with all her favourites. In fact it was at the junction for a few days before it was all cleared away. Hope you did visit that night Amma. You would have loved every single thing that your grandchildren loving prepared.   

       Shanker's masterpiece lovingly created for his Periamma. 

Shanker, Dharan and Sashi sponsored the flowers.

 The trays of her favourite food.

Amma's Funeral

Amma's funeral was a simple and beautiful ceremony. She always said she never wanted an elaborate funeral so I suppose she partly got her wish. But her family, who were heartbroken at her sudden demise, made sure she had a grand send off. We kept her at home for 3 nights and on the morning of Vik and Shan's 42nd birthday, Friday the 22nd of March, we had to bid her farewell. We had to wait for Vik who could only arrive on Thursday so we had a little more time before we had to say our final goodbye. 

She lay in the middle of the living room and was surrounded by a sea of flowers. The wall on the far right was completely covered with beautiful, elaborate wreaths which were sent by family and friends. There was a constant stream of visitors to pay their last respects. Amma might have been a recluse in the later part of her life but friends and relatives who had not seen her for a long time came to pay their respects. It felt like a true lying in state meant for dignitaries. Even when she was no longer physically there, her picture stayed in the same position for 31 days. Everyone said she looked so peaceful. The picture was a true reflection of her, always smiling and serene looking. 

White was the colour of the day and most of us tried to find something in white to wear. Soon the prayers started and everyone in the family took part. All her grandchildren took part and it was a sombre and sad farewell to our beloved amma. We sprinkled kunggumum, vibuthi and red rose petals at her feet and around her. Finally the Sivapuranam was recited and we prayed that her soul would be at peace and she would have a safe journey, with the blessings of Lord Siva.

Dharan, Davinia and I sat in silence as we followed the hearse bearing amma's coffin. I played the Kanda Shashti Kavasam and hoped that it would be a source of comfort to amma and the 3 of us.  She had a fleet of cars and 2 police outriders accompanying her to the crematorium in Kelana Jaya. I was determined to be there with her right till the end. It would be my first time at a crematorium. I thought the prayers were so poignant and meaningful and nothing at all to be afraid off. Why then were women not allowed to go? 

More flowers were placed in the coffin and mantras were chanted. Jerry and another lady from the Temple of Fine Arts, chanted a mantra for 21 times. She was then wheeled inside and her coffin was placed in the huge oven like chamber while we silently prayed and said our final goodbye. The metal door came sliding down and we could no longer see the coffin. I wished with all my heart that she was not afraid and had appa to take her away. We heard the flames being turned up and as we turned to leave, Jerry told us to wait. The metal door slid up a little and we had one final glance of the fiery heat of the flames that had started to engulf the coffin with amma's remains. And then the metal door was brought down one final time. 

It was finally over and we went home with a hollow feeling in our hearts. Although amma's body was no longer, she would always live in all of us through a million memories. 

We are still trying to come to terms with our immense loss. Although it is clear that we will never get over losing her. 
Today is exactly 2 months since she left us. 

 Eliza Maria, a lovely, young girl lost her fight with cancer this morning. She fought a hard and long battle and finally succumbed to this dreaded disease. May her soul rest in peace.

Please light a candle and say a prayer for her.

Birthday Wishes from Heaven

I might no longer be here with you
But my thoughts are always of you
As I look down and watch over you
I realise I'd rather be with you

I won't be able to share your birthday with you
But I'll say a special prayer for you
Don't be sad that I'm not with you
Reach out and you'll always feel me with you

Be comforted with the memories we've shared
They are a comfort to me too
Take care of yourself this birthday
Remember your mother/grandmother will always love you.

Happy Birthday Jeyanthi and Dharan. 

Shanker's Mother's Day Gift

A Mother's Day Poem

Does heaven have an address mum?
Is there any way I can be in contact with you?
There are so many stories I want to tell you,There are so many joys and sorrows I want to share with you,
But is that possible mum? Well, I do it anyway!

This is Mother’s day… and you are not here with me,
A day to tell you how much you mean to me.
But Mum… I don’t need any special occasion to tell you…
or you in person to say how much I Love You.
That’s because you know it!

To me, you are:
Smiles of happy sunshine,
Arms of everlasting love,
Touch of sweet roses,
There is magic in the air whenever you were there,
Mother, everything to you I owe,
Although you are not here to hear it,
Let me say it all the same……I love you very very much, Mum!


A poem that was shared on Facebook. We are not alone, there are many people out there who are still missing their mothers. No point trying to get over it because it will never happen. We have to celebrate her life and do what she would want us to, move on but always have her close to our hearts.

Happy Mother's Day Dearest Amah

There never seems to be a moment when something doesn't trigger a memory. It's so hard. I keep telling myself it will get better. But the more I say it the less I believe it. These last few days have been the worst. I now realize how you must have struggled with your asthma Amah. It's such a terrible illness. I so wanted you with me then. To reach out to you and just hear your voice. I reached out but I didn't hear your voice.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm going to miss you even more. Your absence has left a hollow that just seems impossible to fill or forget. I tell myself to move on and that you are there beside me every step of the way. But .............

I need to go on. And I will try. But I miss you sooooo much. Happy Mother's Day Amah. 

University Hospital

Just passed by the hospital a short while ago and thought of the amount of time amma would have spent there over the years. She has been going there for as long as I remember. I suppose when we lived in section 17 that was the closest hospital but that has always been her first preference. In fact she did visit it for one last time a few days before she passed away. 

No idea how she had the patience to wait for hours to see the doctor and get her medication. But wait patiently she did. She insisted on doing her cataract operation there and they proceeded to screw it up. Her eye-sight deteriorated and the doctor never admitted her mistake. I should have learnt from her mistake before messing about with my eyes. Her close brush with death back in 1994 was at UH as well. And yet she always wanted to go there. 

Well, I suppose she must have met some good doctors over the years and maybe thats where she got the idea of getting her grandchildren either in the profession or get married to somebody in the profession. 

Our Family Photo

We always planned to take a family photo when Vik was back on holiday but never got around to doing it.

This photo was taken during Vik's wedding. Too bad the grandchildren are not in the picture.

Our beloved amma. 

Missed you so much today:(

Amma's Recipe Book

This recipe book, which was given by a Mrs. Singam, played a special role in amma's gift of churning out deliciously tasty food.

She was always adventurous and loved trying out new recipes. I was surprised when I looked through the pages because her English was flawless. Her grandchildren should take note. Amma always spoke English with us and it is no wonder that she was equally fluent speaking and even writing the language. She never did get around learning Bahasa but I do vaguely remember one occasion, a very long time ago, where she had to give a speech in Bahasa! It was for one of those Railways Ladies Association. I don't know how she did it but she managed to deliver her speech. Does anyone remember the details of this incident? 

Happy Birthday Appa

Appa would have been 83 years old today. 

Hope amma is beside you celebrating.
He passed away in 1980 when he was 49 years old.

I don't recall ever celebrating any of his birthdays:(

Do any of you remember any birthday celebration of his?

47 days ......

Amma with her beloved 'Athan'

Prayers at Bhavani

Lovely messages from my class